Friday, June 10, 2011

(45) Looking Back

It's like I am in an in-between time, neither this, neither that. I can't
say that I am comfortable in this state, but I do try to keep plugging
forward. Forward to what? It's like I am leaving something behind
and I have to go back and find it. So, before heading forward maybe
I need look back.

What might be back there to re-discover or maybe actually discover.
Events, experiences, happen in our life that sometimes just pass over
us, making hardly a ripple, barely noticeable, and later emerge into
significance. I seem to intuit that this might be the case for me.

On the other hand, I really do dislike looking back. I've never cared
to be Past oriented, if you will. But I seem to be getting an inner
message that now is the time to go against the grain and look back.

Whatever might I see or at least sense? I've walked down many
paths over my years, crossed bridges multiple times, keeping my
eyes fixed in the distance. So changing my gaze back, I need
look far in the distance the places I have traversed. What's there?

Maybe I have to employ my "feeling" more. I know what I miss, what
I sometimes long for. I miss those magical moments that I have
abandoned. My cool head, my scientific bent has held me in good
stead; however, so have my feelings. In the past they always worked
well together, but I have to wonder whether I have grown too one-
sided? Or too old?

I remember those magical moments in Nature, where I have walked
through glorious realms of mountains and canyons, looking out on
the distances of grasslands, cupping rainbows in my hands, watching
thunderous dark clouds closing overhead, watching wild animals
burrowing in the desert, transfixed by the Giant Sequoia, and simply
looking up at the clouds.

Too old for all this now? I hope not, but I feel more limited. Still I can
reach the ocean, sometimes go to the desert, and travel through the
mountains. I live in an area where all this is actually possible in a
day's time. So why not bring my Past back into my Present. It's just
a matter of intention--and a small amount of effort.

What else might I re-discover? It's the ever New that held me in
thrall when I first encountered the excitement of modern Science
Theories. I've let them become "hard work" now, and that's no
fun. I need regain my enthusiasm, that sense of *en theos* that
these new theoretics were unfolding for me.

Whew! This little exercise looking back actually energized me!
Perhaps such might help me get back on track. But it's all up to
me, bringing "back then" once again into my horizon as I move