"Vacuum" usually means a space devoid of matter, but it can also
mean simply a space ready to be filled. For example, there's the
idea about a political vacuum--when a leadership or ruling group
have been removed, and yet there's no immediate follow-up to
replace them. A vacuum can be problematic, but it always awaits
to be filled.
Anyway, the other day I was talking to a friend who is much older
than I am. He's gone through where I have arrived. I'm at a point
where I am experiencing a spiritual vacuum. It's different from the
"dark night" I went through during my mid-life. Rather it's an
emptiness that just sits there, waiting.
After decades "seeking God," I came to realize that no matter how
I try, I haven't and never will pin down God. The old maxims,
the cultural views, the faith systems--none--seem to touch me.
I see them as efforts towards trying to understand. Some profess
that their way is the Truth. And I would love it to be so, but in my
heart I cannot quite comply.
Still, I do recognize that our human communities of faith are oft
valiant efforts towards trying to understand That Beyond us. And
it surely could be, as we ever continue to compile our understanding
that we might just be making God more comprehensible. So
collectively we shouldn't stop trying!
But during the course of my conversation with my older friend, our
talk started focusing on trying more to understand our self rather
than God.
I suppose when we are edging-up towards the end of our life's
course, we might find it more imperative to focus in more on
"Knowing Self."
But what happens when an older person suddenly finds hir self
in this vacuum of "not knowing" God. For a god-seeker, it can
be a disaster or it can be a respite, a rest from the pursuit. Me?
I decided that I am resting--and, at the same time, admitting that
I probably never will get a precise answer when it comes to God.
About the only thing that I have discovered is that the god-imagery
in my mind involves a *process.* The more I think I know, the more
the imagery shifts to yet another plateau. I used to think that God
was playing games with me, but I realize better now that God is
more an Attractor for me.
And this Attractor has a way of "growing" us towards a greater
maturity when it comes to any relationship with That Beyond
which we call God.
But there are interims in our pursuit, vacuums where we are faced
with a void, not knowing. This "not knowing" may be akin to the
mystics's Cloud of Unknowing. Yet I understand the mystics
always felt some form of comfort in this not knowing. Whereas
being in a vacuum is more a case of uncomfortable waiting.
There's the danger, too, of giving-up--and then there's *really*
a Nothing!
In my own case, I have decided to be patient, to wait, in the
hope for a new inspiration when it comes to my own God quest.
